God talks to fish that ate Jonah

God: I’m sending you a man to swallow. He was being disobedient.

Fish: God, my man! Last time I had indigestion for a month, what If I told you that I’m turning over a new leave… I’m a vegetarian… your still gunna make me, aren’t ya boss?

God: Do you feel like sitting in a bigger fish’s stomach? Or you wanna swallow Fred?

Fish: fine ill do it. Don’t you have bigger fish to fry? God, does cruel and unusual punishment mean anything to you?

God: Hey, I let you throw up Jonah out after a while. Didn’t I?

Fish: ugh fine, you want me to pick this one up at the Mediterranean again?

God: Naw, meet him at Santa Monica will ya? Just keep him in till he says sorry, will ya?
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Female Sailor

I always wondered when we would have a nice adventure on 

this gross boat of ours. I do the same thing every 

single day; I wake up, hem the sails, sweep the deck and 

help make food for all the men. I thought it would
be nice being the only girl on this boat, but that’s 

not true. Things have gotten very boring and no longer fun.

But one day a man who he calls Jonah boarded our boat. He 

seemed like your everyday Hebrew, but when he talked,
he knew our language so fluently. From the moment he 

uttered “Hello my friends” I knew that he was the beginning 

of our adventure which then turned out to be weird and disastrous.

            As soon as we started sailing, the winds had begun to blow so
fiercely. I had never seen waves that wild in my life of sailing. My pet pig
ended up falling overboard and he was in the bottom of the ship! All through
the night we sat around listening to the storm and the cracking of wood
under our feet. Our ship was bound to fall apart by morning. I heard men
calling out to their Gods asking for grace and for the storm to pass on.
While all this was going on, Jonah lay sound asleep not giving a care as to
whether or not we would die. Suddenly, Captain went below and said to Jonah,
“How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice
of us, and we will not perish.”

We were all throwing cargo overboard in attempt to make the ship lighter,
but this seemed to do no good for us. Kevin decided to cast lots to see who
was responsible for this sinister storm. A lot ended up falling on Jonah.
Everyone on board began attacking Jonah with questions in an attempt to
figure out what was going on. Jonah told us that in order for us to be safe;
we had to throw him overboard into the raging waters. No one wanted to do
such a thing, so we all decided to make an attempt at rowing back to land.
But the sea grew even more vicious in a way that was worse before. We could
no longer go on like this and Kevin decided it was best for us to get rid of
Jonah. So we prayed to the Lord asking Him to not punish us for killing
Jonah. As soon as he was off the boat, the waters calmed down, but Jonah was
no where in sight. I always wonder to this day where he had gone off to. I
guess the world may never know.

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The Story of Boaty Shipman Becoming a Man

Hello, I am a boat. My name is Boaty Shipman. I was born in Joppa, and lived there with my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Shipman, for most of my life.Now I am
on my first voyage with out either of them. This is a big deal in become an
adult in the shiphood of ships.  I am very excited about this, and I have a
very experienced crew riding me. This should be very simple, and in a few
days I’ll be home and I’ll be accepted as a man ship and no longer a boy
ship in the shiphood of ships! Yay!

            We have just left Joppa and are out to sea. There is a very
experienced crew with me that have ridden me before, although there is one
man that is never stepped foot on my deck before. I think his name is Joana,
no; it can’t be that, Joana is a girl’s name. OH! Jonah! That’s it! He looks
funny, and kind of scared. Oh well, he shouldn’t cause any problems.

            It is now the second day on our voyage to Tarshish. It looks
like there’s a storm a brewin’! No worries, I feel fully confident that it
will be a minor bump in my simple journey to becoming a manboat! Think about
that…Boat Shipman, the manboat! I like the sound of that.

            Oh my gosh! This storm is huge! I feel as if my mast might fall
off, and my poop deck is getting kind of weak and my wheel might fall off!
This is terrible! If I can’t make a simple trip from Joppa to Tarshish I
will never become a man. I am a failure from a boat! If only the storm would
go away so I could keep my poop deck! My poor poop deck!

            My riders seem to be blaming that funny looking girl Joana, I
mean, Jonah.  He says he is a prophet and is running away from God. I don’t
know what a prophet is, but I never want to be one, I never want to look
funny like him! I would prefer to stay a handsome Boaty Shipman! I think
they are going to throw him off the ship, because then they wouldn’t have to
deal with the storm. I think that’s a great idea because then I wouldn’t
lose my poop deck!

            WOAH! They actually threw him off, now he is floating away! And
the storm has quickly died down! Yay! Now I may be on my way to Tarshish to
become an adult boat! With no sweat I have become Mr. Boaty Shipman the
manboat of the shiphood! J

The Perspective of the Port

            The port was content.  It was made of sturdy wood brought from far away, its nails were rusty but sound, and it had stood up to many storms and weathered them out. 

So when this storm came it thought it would be the same as before.  How wrong it had been, the port thought.  How had it come to this?  What was making the wind shriek so loud, the waves so high?  The port sighed as yet another nail came loose.  Seven in this one storm when it had hardly lost three in the past ten years.  This did not bode well.

            Could it have something to do with that strange man from earlier?  The port heard the man worrying about how “he” might be angry with him.  The man (his name was Jonah, the port remembered,) had gotten onto a fishing boat captained by a man who had grown up hauling fish on the port.  Now the port wondered who “he” was that Jonah was so afraid of.  At the time the port had assumed it was some gambler Jonah had become indebted to, now it was not so sure.  This storm did not feel natural; for one thing it wasn’t even storm season.  The wind did not feel like it came from the Black Sea to the north, or the western Mediterranean.  It smelled like the surrounding sea, which wasn’t possible, as far as the port knew.  So where did it come from?

            The port had heard about God from travelers, but had never been really interested.  Its job was to provide docking for ships and to weather storms, so it wasn’t much concerned about God.  But now it wondered if Jonah had angered God, and God had sent the storm to punish Jonah.  If God always sent storms to punish people, the port thought, it should really be concerned!
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Jonah

Chapter 1

1 The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai: 2 "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me."

 3 But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the LORD.

 4 Then the LORD sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up. 5 All the sailors were afraid and each cried out to his own god. And they threw the cargo into the sea to lighten the ship. 
      But Jonah had gone below deck, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep. 6 The captain went to him and said, "How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice of us, and we will not perish."

 7 Then the sailors said to each other, "Come, let us cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity." They cast lots and the lot fell on Jonah.

 8 So they asked him, "Tell us, who is responsible for making all this trouble for us? What do you do? Where do you come from? What is your country? From what people are you?"

 9 He answered, "I am a Hebrew and I worship the LORD, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the land."

 10 This terrified them and they asked, "What have you done?" (They knew he was running away from the LORD, because he had already told them so.)

 11 The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, "What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?"

 12 "Pick me up and throw me into the sea," he replied, "and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you."

 13 Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. 14 Then they cried to the LORD, "O LORD, please do not let us die for taking this man's life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, O LORD, have done as you pleased." 15 Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. 16 At this the men greatly feared the LORD, and they offered a sacrifice to the LORD and made vows to him.

 17 But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights.

Chapter 2
1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:

       "In my distress I called to the LORD,

       and he answered me.

       From the depths of the grave I called for help,

       and you listened to my cry.

 3 You hurled me into the deep,into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me.

 4 I said, 'I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again 
       toward your holy temple.'

 5 The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; 
       seaweed was wrapped around my head.

 6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O LORD my God.

 7 "When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.

 8 "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

 9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD."

 10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

 Chapter 3

¹ Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah a second time: ² "Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you."

 ³ Jonah obeyed the word of the LORD and went to Nineveh. Now Nineveh was a very important city—a visit required three days. ⁴ On the first day, Jonah started into the city. He proclaimed: "Forty more days and Nineveh will be overturned." ⁵ The Ninevites believed God. They declared a fast, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth.
 ⁶ When the news reached the king of Nineveh, he rose from his throne, took off his royal robes, covered himself with sackcloth and sat down in the dust. ⁷ Then he issued a proclamation in Nineveh:
      "By the decree of the king and his nobles:
       Do not let any man or beast, herd or flock, taste anything; do not let them eat or drink. ⁸ But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth. Let everyone call urgently on God. Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. ⁹ Who knows? God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger so that we will not perish."
 ¹⁰ When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion and did not bring upon them the destruction he had threatened.
Chapter 4
 But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. ² He prayed to the LORD, "O LORD, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. ³ Now, O LORD, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live."
 ⁴ But the LORD replied, "Have you any right to be angry?"
 ⁵ Jonah went out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. ⁶ Then the LORD God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine. ⁷ But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. ⁸ When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah's head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, "It would be better for me to die than to live."
 ⁹ But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?"
      "I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die."
 ¹⁰ But the LORD said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. ¹¹ But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?"